I’m not blogging about Alistair Darling’s performance in Parliament this afternoon, which was wonderfully described on Twitter by Cat Turner of the Liberal Democrats,
This is a party political budget on behalf of the Labour Party
This budget is far better analysed by the vast number of politicians and economic experts who have been working themselves into a frenzy of apathy all afternoon and evening.
My budget is our household one which is apparently going to be affected by Mr Darling’s budget in some way that is not going to make us any better off.
For very many years, Sue has been the chancellor and chief economist of the small nation of Chuffinghog and has done a remarkable job of keeping our national debt under some kind of control. In recent months, I have come to realise what a difficult job this is as I have been subjected to a cabinet reshuffle and find myself in number 11 faced by a bewildering array of spreadsheets, bills and just one or two sources of income.
So today, I presented my own budget to the house. (The one we live in.)
Budget Speech 2010
To introduce my budget, I will use the words of Mr Darling himself,
This Budget takes place as the UK economy is emerging from the deepest global recession for over 60 years.
It has been a testing time which has required governments across the world to make difficult choices and take unprecedented actions
Mrs Speaker, or may I call you Sue? If the UK economy faces challenges, thing of the difficulties faced by our own small nation. However, we face the future determined to use even more platitudes than our larger neighbour.
We are going to reduce our budget deficit, not by raising taxes (I can’t find anyone who would pay them anyway), but by reducing (ideally to zero) the amount that we pay to the bankrupt government of our larger national neighbour, Great Britain.
Along the way, I have decided that we will slash our spending on defence by not buying a roll of barbed wire for the top of our back fence.
Our education budget remains fairly stable because all the training we do is paid for by someone else, but we are safeguarding health spending by continuing to pay our dentist and for the insurance on the cat. However, we note that we both get free prescriptions because we are both old and almost clapped out.
Home Office spending will have to be maintained. We can’t do without our broadband, although our Department of Transport and Rural Affairs may be hit by external influences such as the price of petrol at Tesco. I have heard that the other budget may have influenced this slightly.
Immigration is not really an issue for us, although we are encouraging tourism by inviting some friends round for dinner on Saturday. It is with some regret that I have to tell this house that unless they bring a bottle of wine AND a bunch of flowers, this tourism initiative may well not have a positive economic effect.
(I hope they don’t read this blog, I’d feel really guilty if they took this seriously!)
Now Mrs Speaker, Alistair Darling’s conclusion to his speech was no more than a blatant election slogan, so I’m ignoring it in my own impassioned presentation of our budget.
So to conclude and to only very slightly misquote the rather more rousing words of Peter Costello, who was in 2005, Alistair Darling’s counterpart in Australia, another country that is on fairly friendly terms with our own nation of Chuffinghog,
This Budget is about sharing the benefits of this strong economic management not just with more Hogs, but with all Hogs:-
- to increase their participation in the workforce;
- to build their skills;
- to reward their effort;
- to enhance their security; and
- to fund their future.
I commend the Bill to the House.